"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
