And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
