12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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