You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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