the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
