Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
