i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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