just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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