I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
