I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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