and you said cock pushups were impossible
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
