I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
