I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
