Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
