You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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