I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
