I accidentally burped into my bong.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's not a walk of shame if you run
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
