i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
