i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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