My friends, they love my intelligence
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
