I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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