You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
