mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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