I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
