I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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