He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
