i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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