i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
