You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
