I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
