Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
