birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
