i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
