he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
