Soap is not a condiment
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
