those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
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Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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