Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
