I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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