So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
