I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
