i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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