The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
