I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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