first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
