Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
