Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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