drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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