I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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