so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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