your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
