I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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