Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your penis caused this!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
