if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
