Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
